Blue Dolphin
Posted on: 01/07/2024
Today I layed on my floor and chose that I'd lay there until I cried. It didn't take too long. After I did I found it much easier to breathe. It is difficult for me to cry, so sometimes I have to force myself to do it.
Small digression. I've been working on moving my nature of existing to be less introverted. Living well for me is balancing rationalization and perception. Balancing living from my gut, my head, and my heart, so there there is no gross imbalance in my nature of being. This way of thinking of it, gut, head, and heart living came to me while considering acting, and I do mean it in a literal sense. There are so many ways that human pecularities manifest it is foolish to attempt to generalize, but I have noticed in myself and in others a few primary ways of existing/reacting. Those who react with their head, heart, and gut. I am a head liver, and my heart and gut frequently are neglected.
Back to crying. Crying brings clarity. To cry I must sit with myself, truly WITH myself, as in in a literal sense, being in my own company, and I must sit with the things I am running away from. Crying is a cathartic coming to terms with the truth of a situation. When I cry I learn how to live. When I am living well I am crying often. So I will more often now when I am feeling wrong, lay on the floor undistracted for as long as it takes for me to cry. After crying I found my breath. External living. Gut and heart living. Body living. Breathing consciously, that is being conscious of your breath, your belly moving up and down. What is the first part of our body to react to stress? To fear? Sadness? Our breath quickens, slows down, becomes weak. We can be well in tune with ourselves if we are in tune with our breathing. Breathing consciously, being with yourself. WITH yourself. As your own friend. These two things are essential to living with one's body. You can still think. You can still use the pretty words. But be with yourself. Breathe.
But there's another thing as well that I want to mention. That is the continuation of the present. One moment after another. In our search to be present with ourselves, to live well, we must give respect to ourselves and all moments by acknowledging them. Thinking of each moment coming after the next. My experience is often not linear. I believe it to be the cause of some of my mood swings. For example: Let's say I wake up at 8. I don't want to go to work so I dissociate until 12. I come back to myself for a moment. Then I start thinking about something random, get sad, angry, however else. I go back to dissociating. It's 4. My mind is numb, and I have no context for how to feel, so I don't know how I feel, and my feelings are at the whims of whatevers been brewing in my disssociative state. When I do not neglect the present, the moment that happened a moment before. That I cried this morning, ate a cheese plate and smoked a joint after. I have context for how to feel, I have a full life when I am aware of the moments that occur, even the bad ones.
Breathe. The adults weren't being cheesy when you were 5 and you cried so hard and they told you to breathe. They just didn't know why they were saying it. Breathe. Keep breathing. It's all you need to do.
I bought this new synth. A Behringer Deepmind 12. Just played around, wanted to make something ambient. I sat down and breathed and this song was how I felt. I wish I made it a little longer.