A Month In Review
Posted on: 02/25/2024
Hello World! I took acid earlier this month. Or last month. It was very lovely. I sat there and let go of all the silly clutter I'm so used to carrying around with me, and my mind feels well and clear. If you're autoplaying music, you'll be listening to what is my favorite song right now. I have a few favorites. Poison Girlfriend, Doopees, Salami Rose Joe Louis, and Eartheater.
I am a big fan of music and the arts.
Yesterday, I went out to a state park and trodded around in my black boots. In a bog, I saw a great worm. I saw the largest Black Cottonwood tree in North America. I drove home and listened to music. Recently, I've also had the great pleasure of interacting with many talented musicians in my home city. I've been trying to learn music and songwriting myself, meeting these folks has been very inspiring. Music, art in general, is like a lens. My favorite thing in the world, is finding a piece of art, a lens that I connect to. For Eartheater's music, it's that her music feels like feelings so strong they could eat up the whole world. I relate to this lens greatly. For Doopees, is the lens of childlike rediscovery. Salami Rose Joe Louis, it's a warm nostalgic spacey feeling of play. Every piece of great art is more than just the piece itself. The piece is a byproduct of the person. Their specific lens. Their unique beauty, perspective, sound, look, feel.
I am a big fan of music and the arts.
I've written some poems-- Have found myself very inspired by Shakespeare lately. I will share two with you. First, is a love poem.
if i could have dreamed you into my bed
followed through
as a lover would
you'd wake up next morning by my side
if i could have taken my affection out on you
shown you what love i've been hiding
beast in a cage turned out to be
just another side
of this i
and i'd give you all my little i's
this one here
and that one there
we could take them and make them
into a little us
or maybe several
something octane
robbing banks
and
cracking heads
or naked, sipping tea in bed
there, in our little dream
the cocoon or the lion’s den or
the gaping maw
a hundred times over
we’d make love
raw
that is to say
we’d turn it so
unskin the outer layers of love
until love was made, raw
nothing protecting us from
dying our little deaths
nothing protecting me from wounding myself
Cute, right? I liked the "make love raw part". I felt really happy when I thought of that one. Love being made raw (hehe sex penis), and then the actual act of peeling a heart so that it was exposed and tender. I'll get emotional. Next one is a parable. It came to me in a dream.
there once was a boy named amir
tortured and ugly and hairless and queer
that boy amir, not his doing was he—
fat or lame or otherwise gimp
but amir could be nasty;
manipulative
but it wasnt his fault!
no, it all came from pain.
wasnt t’all amirs fault, for that he was lame
his father was gone; out to check the weather
his mother was struck by lightning; Dead.
if the last rhyme suits you— forever.
with parents gone,
and without any friends,
amir was at his ends—
he needed something close
he needed something to hold
a cat might suffice,
however, it couldn’t be too old
so out amir went,
into the brisk winter night
on the hunt for a friend
that wouldnt put up too much of a fight
amir spotted his target
got close and grabbed the thing
and in a trader joes bag
to his house, did he bring
he threw it down on the bed
closed his eyes, arms outstretched
but out came the cat
pissed as all heck!
ready and poised for love was amir to receive
but the cat was poised too!
and he SCRATCHED and BIT at amirs hands till they’d BLEED!
amir was despondent,
had it all come to this?
his father, his mother,
and now HE was pissed!
stupid old cat!
ugly and sick
not my love you want?
well you can go to HELL!
so he dragged the cat out
and into the snow they fell!
amir pushed sickly kitty, oh what a pity;
down into the gritty, dirty, cold and briskly
the two fought and fought
but the cat was no match!
amir was the winner
and he took home his catch
contorted and solid and stupid and pitiful
for a moment he felt bad
might he be evil?
but he pushed down the thought
it was for this that they fought
kitty cat, kitty cat, froze in a block :3
now amir was hot
the cat was cold
rushing towards equilibrium
came again a thought that made him feel dumb
couldn’t he have just— like— gotten a cat from the humane society?
but the thought was gone soon
pushed down again, like the cat
amir cooled down
kitty warmed up some
at least now for sure it’d have to love him
so amir offered him a blanket, gave him tea and a book
but the cat still hated him
so amir threw the cat in the trash
I thought about this dream for weeks. I still think of it now. The symbolism to me was obvious. I know that I've pushed people out into the cold hoping they'd want to warm up next to me again. When they don't, I've even thrown them away. It's a bad pattern of mine. One I've gotten a lot better with, but it was on the brain this pattern. That's what my brain had to say of it. It connected with me so much I took acid and wrote that poem. The other one too. And a whole lot of others.
Just be here now. Simple thing I've learned. The most valuable lesson I think I ever could. Just be here now.
Among my other metaphors illustrating this, I have a metaphor I often bring up, alongside advice I gave to someone who was struggling depersonalization.
Look at a blade of grass. The only job of that blade of grass is to grow. Death. Life. Love and loss. What's real and what isn't. To the grass, it's all the same. It's only job is to grow, whatever that entails is beyond it. Just be like the grass. Grow. It is perfect. This has helped me. We are both like the grass. Our job is just to grow. We are okay because we have no other obligations but to grow. Isn't that nice?
